Who(or What)’s Absorbing the Tension in your relationship?

Most couples don’t land in crisis overnight. It’s usually a lot quieter than that. A kind of low-grade tension that hangs around. It’s the feeling that you’re both carrying, and somehow missing each other in the process. On the outside, things still work, but underneath, something feels off, and you both sense it.

Then something shifts.

Maybe your oldest starts having a hard time in school. Maybe one of you pours more and more energy into work until it almost feels like there is a third presence in the relationship. Or maybe you find yourselves opening up to a friend; nothing inappropriate, just enough to take the edge off.

Murray Bowen had a word for this called triangulation. He saw it as one of the most natural patterns in how relationships handle stress.

When the pressure builds between two people, a third gets pulled in. Not because anyone decided to make it happen. Just because that’s how emotional systems stabilize themselves.

How it actually works

When tension rises between two people, it’s uncomfortable and a two-person system doesn’t tolerate that discomfort very well for long.

So the system looks for relief. The most reliable way to get it is to bring in something (or someone) else. That “third” could be a person, a habit, work, a child. Essentially, anything that helps absorb some of the emotional charge.

And it works… kind of.

The tension between the original two people softens. Things feel a little more manageable. But nothing really gets resolved. The pressure just gets redirected somewhere else.

What makes this tricky is that it’s not intentional. No one sits down and thinks, “I’m going to involve the kids so I don’t have to deal with this.” It just happens. Quietly. Automatically.

What triangulation looks like in real life

The child becomes the outlet

Sometimes a child (often the most emotionally attuned one) starts carrying the weight of the tension. Maybe they act out, get anxious, or start struggling in school. The focus shifts to helping the child, and the strain in the relationship fades into the background.

Work takes over

Sometimes it’s work. One partner leans into it because it offers something the relationship doesn’t have right now. Clarity, competence, a sense of control. It’s not about avoiding the relationship on purpose. It just feels easier to show up there.

Someone else holds the emotional space

And sometimes it’s a friend or family member. One or both partners start sharing things they’re not saying to each other. It can feel harmless (even supportive), but over time, it pulls emotional closeness away from the relationship itself.

None of these are malicious. They’re understandable responses to pressure. But they all have the same effect: the real tension stays in place, just out of sight.

Bringing it a little closer to home

When things feel tense between you and your partner, where does that energy go?

Does it move toward a conversation that actually names what’s going on?

Or does it drift somewhere else? Into the kids, into work, into a routine that helps you take the edge off?

There’s no judgment in the answer. But being honest about it is where things start to shift.

One small thing to try this week

When you notice tension come up, pause for a moment and get curious:

Where is this energy going right now?

See if you can name one place it tends to land: a person, a habit, a pattern. You don’t need to fix anything yet. Just noticing it clearly is a meaningful first step.