.png)
Crab Mentality and the Art of Real Change
- Blaise Chanse Campanella
- May 13
- 2 min read
Why Relationships and Change Matter
After a long day at sea, a fisherman sat beside a bucket of crabs. As he rested, he noticed something strange. Whenever a crab tried to climb out of the bucket, the others would drag it back down. No matter how high it reached, it couldn’t escape the grip of the group.
This behavior has a name: Crab Mentality. And whether we realize it or not, it shows up in our relationships every day—especially when we try to change. And change, as you might have observed, isn’t easy in relationships, but it’s helpful to know the types of change that are successful or unsuccessful.
1st vs. 2nd Order Change—What’s the Difference?
1st Order Change is surface-level. It tweaks behavior but keeps the system the same. Like the crab reaching up but getting pulled back in—nothing really changes in the end.
2nd Order Change is transformational. It breaks old rules, rewrites the system, and leads to lasting shifts—even if it creates tension along the way.
Think of 1st Order Change as rearranging furniture in a burning house. 2nd Order Change is rebuilding the house entirely—with fireproof walls.
How Relationships React to Change
Change doesn’t just happen to us—it happens around us. When we start growing, healing, or setting boundaries, the people around us may not always respond well. Systems resist change. So do relationships. Here’s what we can expect from others when a person decides to change within a relationship:
The individual is cut off emotionally or socially. “You’re out of the bucket and you can’t come back in!”
Others in the relationship try to pull the individual back into the bucket using guilt, manipulation, confusion, force, or any other influential tactic to keep the relationship as it was before
Or, the rare but beautiful option—they adapt, evolve, and grow with the change.
The Trap of 1st Order Change
You set a boundary, but abandon it when others push back.
You start healing, but surround yourself with people who benefit from your unhealed self.
You start therapy, but still play the same roles in your family dynamic.
Like the crab, you reach—but don’t escape. Because you’re trying to change while keeping everything else the same.
What 2nd Order Change Looks Like
You reimagine your role in the system.
You stop asking for permission to grow.
You change the rules, not just your behavior.
2nd Order Change might mean disrupting the whole bucket. And that takes courage.
In Closing
The next time you find yourself reaching for growth, only to be pulled back by old patterns or familiar resistance—pause. Ask yourself:
Am I trying to climb out of the bucket... or am I ready to break it open?
What does the “bucket” look like in your life? Drop your thoughts in the comments or share this with someone who’s on the edge of change.
Comments